Follow us on Steam Follow us on FB Follow us on Twitter Subscribe on Youtube

Announcement

Collapse
1 of 56 < >

Local History Museum Really Digging Deep To Fill 2 15-By-20-Foot Rooms

HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…
Read more...


More...
2 of 56 < >

Cuba Names New President To Succeed Raúl Castro

The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?
Read more...


More...
3 of 56 < >

‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…
Read more...


More...
4 of 56 < >

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…
Read more...


More...
5 of 56 < >

The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 23, 2018

6 of 56 < >

Spurs Skype In Kawhi Leonard For Game 4

7 of 56 < >

Tips For Traveling Solo

Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.
Read more...


More...
8 of 56 < >

God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…
Read more...


More...
9 of 56 < >

Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance

When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height of hubris, to believe history has nothing to teach us. In our current age, one in which it can seem the world around us is being upended every day, we may be tempted to believe that what has gone on…
Read more...


More...
10 of 56 < >

L.A. Fitness Announces Plan To Close All Locations For 30-Minute, High-Intensity Diversity Training

11 of 56 < >

Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…
Read more...


More...
12 of 56 < >

Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks

GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…
Read more...


More...
13 of 56 < >

Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window

14 of 56 < >

Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program

PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the…
Read more...


More...
15 of 56 < >

Report: Puerto Rico Situation Remains Dire Despite Months Of No Help Whatsoever

16 of 56 < >

Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists

17 of 56 < >

Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout

Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?
Read more...


More...
18 of 56 < >

After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter

Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.

Puerto Rico was struck by disaster yet again Wednesday afternoon when an issue with a transmission tower caused the entire island to lose power. But in the face of this adversity, an incredible disaster relief…
Read more...


More...
19 of 56 < >

NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…
Read more...


More...
20 of 56 < >

Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year

YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…
Read more...


More...
21 of 56 < >

Air Wick Introduces New Piss-Scented Bathroom Diffuser

22 of 56 < >

Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way

HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…
Read more...


More...
23 of 56 < >

Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training

After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?
Read more...


More...
24 of 56 < >

‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point

25 of 56 < >

Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal

CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…
Read more...


More...
26 of 56 < >

DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election

WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…
Read more...


More...
27 of 56 < >

This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything

After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…
Read more...


More...
28 of 56 < >

‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits

NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.
Read more...


More...
29 of 56 < >

North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War

An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?
Read more...


More...
30 of 56 < >

Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos

A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion
Read more...


More...
31 of 56 < >

Absolutely Heartbreaking: The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax

We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.

Read more...


More...
32 of 56 < >

Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him

AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the…
Read more...


More...
33 of 56 < >

Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature!

Ladies and gentleman of the #Resistance, what you are about to witness is a sight so strange, so confounding to the mind, so utterly freakish, that we urge all those faint of heart to look away from this ghastly exhibition at once. Behold! It is Comey! The FBI Man who is both Good and Bad!
Read more...


More...
34 of 56 < >

Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates

In the latest barrage between the former FBI director and the White House, James Comey told ABC News that Trump was “morally unfit” to be president while Trump countered on Twitter that Comey had “committed many crimes.” What do you think?
Read more...


More...
35 of 56 < >

Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning

36 of 56 < >

Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God

37 of 56 < >

Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport

CAIRO—Claiming that one of the world’s most famous and iconic historic structures couldn’t have been constructed using the resources available at the time, proponents of a controversial new theory suggested this week that aliens may have built Egypt’s ancient intergalactic spaceport. “Archaeologists say the Great…
Read more...


More...
38 of 56 < >

Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On

39 of 56 < >

Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases

NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an…
Read more...


More...
40 of 56 < >

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018

41 of 56 < >

Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit 

NAMPA, ID—Overcome by a sense of shame and betrayal upon realizing his life has been based on a lie, Allen Shearer told reporters Tuesday that he might never trust again upon realizing that his treasured line drawing of a duck has actually been a rabbit all along. “My duck! No! What happened? How could I not see? How…
Read more...


More...
42 of 56 < >

Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God

43 of 56 < >

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

44 of 56 < >

‘All The Paper Sales On The Office Were Real And I’d Be Homeless Without The Commissions I Got From Those’: 5 Questions With John Krasinski

Though he’ll probably always be most fondly remembered for his role as Jim Halpert on The Office, John Krasinski has recently proven that he’s as comfortable behind the camera as he is shrugging into it. His latest film, A Quiet Place, has been a surprise smash hit, and earned Krasinski some well-deserved credibility…
Read more...


More...
45 of 56 < >

New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation

BALTIMORE—In an announcement that sheds new light on the history of an apparatus traditionally regarded as execution equipment, researchers at Johns Hopkins University presented new evidence Tuesday suggesting the first gallows were created as an early aid to autoerotic asphyxiation. “Our findings indicate that the…
Read more...


More...
46 of 56 < >

Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash

Researchers have found new malware that causes ATMs to spit out cash at speeds of $2,500 per minute in a phenomenon known as “jackpotting”—although they stress that it has likely not yet been used in the field. What do you think?
Read more...


More...
47 of 56 < >

Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players

LAS VEGAS—Guaranteeing they couldn’t “hack it” back in the ’80s and ’90s, former NBA star Michael Jordan spoke out Tuesday blasting the weakness and lack of drive in modern blackjack players. “These soft and coddled blackjack players today, who come into the Bellagio and stand on a jack and a five, they could never…
Read more...


More...
48 of 56 < >

Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book

A new book by former FBI director James Comey, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, And Leadership, promises to offer an inside look at his time in federal law enforcement, as well as his controversial role in the 2016 presidential election. Here are the biggest revelations from Comey’s autobiography.
Read more...


More...
49 of 56 < >

U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict

WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources reported Monday that the Trump administration would not rule out escalating defense-sector profits from the conflict in Syria. “If [Syrian president] Bashar al-Assad decides to retaliate, we won’t hesitate…
Read more...


More...
50 of 56 < >

Americans File Returns For Tax Day

Millions of Americans will file federal and state tax returns this week or face penalties from the government. Have you filed your taxes?
Read more...


More...
51 of 56 < >

Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends

DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…
Read more...


More...
52 of 56 < >

Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings

WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…
Read more...


More...
53 of 56 < >

The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018

54 of 56 < >

Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down

SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was…
Read more...


More...
55 of 56 < >

Report: It Time To Give Up

WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really…
Read more...


More...
56 of 56 < >

Comey: ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’

See more
See less

how to write a good essay

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Working...
X